Keeping families connected with a safe phone

Cell phones, including cell phones for kids, are a lot like power tools: Both can be used to build or to demolish.

We wouldn’t dream of allowing a child to play with a circular saw. Why, then, are so many of us willing to turn them loose with a smartphone?

The power tool analogy may seem extreme. But while a kids phone isn’t likely to take off any fingers, it can do serious damage on another important front: your family relationships.

If you’re thinking of buying a cell phone for your kid, don’t get the wrong idea. Chances are, your family will be just fine. But do be deliberate: How will you ensure any safe phone for kids you let into the house will bring your family closer together?

Safe Phone for Kids: Your Call, Not Theirs

As parents, we would do well to remind ourselves of a “hidden” truth: Kids will engage with phones without several of the advantages we, as adults, take for granted.
Kids do not have the wisdom that comes from decades of life experience. The decision-making area of their brain has not fully developed. Their emotions take the wheel more often than not. In short, the “obvious” right choice is rarely so obvious to kids.
Parents need to be discerning about which parts of the decision-making process they allow their kids to control. Kids’ concerns and preferences matter, of course. But when it comes to choosing safe phones for kids — or, frankly, making any major life choices — parents need to step in.

Here’s where they should start:

Cultivate Respect for Cell Phones

Entering the third decade of the 21st century, we’ve become somewhat jaded about our smartphones. We need to remind ourselves that, in 2021, a kid with a smartphone holds more computing horsepower than was contained in the entire Apollo 11 rocket as it blasted off for the moon in 1969.

We never want to operate out of fear when deciding when and how to get a safe kids phone. But we never want to lose sight of the potential for our children to use that power irresponsibly.

In addition to providing connectivity, fun, and convenience, a modern smartphone opens up a world of destructive possibilities. Pornography, bullying, and hate speech abound online. In fact, just having a cell phone can become a point of obsession for kids. A cell phone is, when used with poor judgment, a conduit directly to them.

Write Out a List of Pros and Cons

It may seem quaint to write a pros-cons list on real, actual paper these days. You’ll be pleasantly surprised, however, by the number of times you consult it as you investigate safer phones for kids.

Written lists keep you, your spouse, and your kids honest. As an added bonus, your list may come in handy should a salesperson try to upsell you to features you’ve already agreed are not needed.

Every family is unique. You should expect that your list will look significantly different than your neighbor’s. As you put pen to paper, these four categories might help you nail down the specifics.

Safety

Make this category your No. 1 priority, regardless of whether your kids agree. You might even let them know that — their safety being of the utmost importance to you — this was your deciding factor in looking into cell phones for kids at all.

Communication

Before you so much as set foot in a store with cell phones for kids, talk through your family’s communication priorities. Your calls and texts should get response-time priority over those of your kid’s friends. A safe phone for kids should be parent communication devices first and foremost.

Life Skills

A phone is a big responsibility. Together, list all the ways in which you expect your child to grow by getting a phone. Do you want your child to learn communication skills? Respect for others’ time? Emergency preparedness?

Education

Ahead of your purchase, make a point of learning about the educational uses for cell phones for kids. Perhaps you expect your child will use it for group projects at school, but not to look up answers on solo homework assignments. Get that in writing before you buy the phone.

Put Together a Family Pact

Writing out what amounts to a contract with your kids may seem overly formal or even hokey. Depending on the age of your child, the mere suggestion might be met with eye-rolling. You should also be ready for a response that calls your relational trust into question.

Stand your ground.

Make it clear that you are unwilling to move forward without at least some written guidelines. Keeping the goal of family unity front and center, consider what you do want to happen with the new phone and what you do not.

Keep this as simple and unemotional as possible. Here’s some sample language to help you think through the issues surrounding safe phones for kids:

Guidelines for Maintaining Phone Privileges

We agree that we would like to do a better job as a family of staying in touch with each other. We further agree that:

The use of a cell phone is a privilege, not a right.
Whenever asked, cell phones for kids will be handed to a parent without delay.
Parental controls will not be sidestepped.
Friends and peers will not be allowed to use the phone.
Phones will be charged overnight in the parent’s bedroom.
Continued phone use will be tied to respectful behavior.
A parent will be notified immediately if any sign of cyberbullying or unkind behavior happens through the phone.

If your child resists the idea of codifying expected behavior, hit pause on the phone purchase. Families need to have these discussions before they bring a device into the house.

Say “No” to Fully Featured Cell Phones for Kids

The surest way to cut fatty foods out of your diet is to avoid buying them in the first place. Similarly, the best way to keep dangerous content off your kid’s phone is to choose a device that can’t access it.

When shopping for safe phones for kids, don’t let yourself be taken out of the driver’s seat. Slick features may sound great, but they may not be useful to — much less safe for — kids.

Here are some features to avoid:

Games

Kids have been playing games throughout all of recorded human history. What’s different about phone games? They’re insidiously addictive.

First of all, most phone games are solo games. In other words, they offer little or no opportunity to connect with other people. The second thing to understand is that game developers have a vested interest in “gamifying” their products. Most phone games are designed to keep people playing as long as possible.
Social Media

Social media needs a Surgeon General’s warning. The more time kids spend on social media, the more likely they are to show symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Social media makes kids easy targets for online bullying. Even those who aren’t bullied become obsessed over how many “likes” or shares their posts receive. Soon, they live each day in a heightened state of anxiety.
Internet Access

The appropriate time for small kids to surf the web is when you and your child are doing it together. A safe kids phone should not be a solo surfing device.
No matter how many conversations you have with your kid about the dangers of the internet, it’s not enough. Forbidden fruit is tempting. Your child will find inappropriate content, even on sites that are completely legitimate.
Picture Messaging

How many disgraced politicians, business leaders, and former spouses have learned the hard way that digital content lives on forever? It exists on servers somewhere, even if it can’t be found by Google.

Don’t let your kids learn that lesson the hard way. It’s no use trying to explain what a server farm is to a small child. You’re better off, at least in the beginning, choosing a safe phone for kids that can’t share photos.

Games
Kids have been playing games throughout all of recorded human history. What’s different about phone games? They’re insidiously addictive.

First of all, most phone games are solo games. In other words, they offer little or no opportunity to connect with other people. The second thing to understand is that game developers have a vested interest in “gamifying” their products. Most phone games are designed to keep people playing as long as possible.
Social Media
Social media needs a Surgeon General’s warning. The more time kids spend on social media, the more likely they are to show symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Social media makes kids easy targets for online bullying. Even those who aren’t bullied become obsessed over how many “likes” or shares their posts receive. Soon, they live each day in a heightened state of anxiety.
Internet Access
The appropriate time for small kids to surf the web is when you and your child are doing it together. A safe kids phone should not be a solo surfing device.
No matter how many conversations you have with your kid about the dangers of the internet, it’s not enough. Forbidden fruit is tempting. Your child will find inappropriate content, even on sites that are completely legitimate.
Picture Messaging
How many disgraced politicians, business leaders, and former spouses have learned the hard way that digital content lives on forever? It exists on servers somewhere, even if it can’t be found by Google.

Don’t let your kids learn that lesson the hard way. It’s no use trying to explain what a server farm is to a small child. You’re better off, at least in the beginning, choosing a safe phone for kids that can’t share photos.

Set Your Family Up for Success

Your family is under no obligation to repeat the mistakes of others. Learn from the mistakes of parents who assumed their kids would abide by their family pact.

Set up a regular time every few days to review phone use together. Answer your kids’ questions as they come up. Most importantly, share the steps you’re taking to not be mastered by your phone.
COVID-19 has forced us all to rely more heavily on technology. Kids have been separated from their friends like never before. To help their kids connect at a distance, parents might decide to loosen up a bit on screen time restrictions.

If your family decides to implement a different set of phone rules during the pandemic, that’s fine. Don’t compromise, however, on the following:

Phones Won’t Be Used During Meals

Families who eat together report an increase in their kids making smart food choices. Their kids are also more likely to do well at school.

Like any relationship, family life requires the investment of focused time. Neither cell phones for kids nor adults’ phones should be out during dinner. And if they are, there should be consequences for whoever the culprit — kid or adult — is.
Remember, your kids look to you to know what behaviors are acceptable. Putting your phone away at the table sends the right message.

Better to Risk Embarrassment Than Your Child’s Safety

Your kids won’t necessarily like your family-oriented cell phone policies. In fact, you’re likely to be labeled the “uncool” parent for them.

Ask yourself: Would you rather be embarrassed, or have something happen to your child? Would you rather them not understand online bullying or do you want to be a resource to help them deal with a cyberbully?

At Gabb, we’re pretty solidly set on the former. Our mission is to create more family time, not more “cool” parents.

We also understand the stakes around a safe phone for kids. We know anyone can buy any phone for their child at any age. It’s our goal to help parents make the right choice, not necessarily the easy or the kid-friendly one.